TEARS?

By Anna Steele LCSW

A number of years ago a supervisor gave me advice that I found confusing. She asked me if I knew what someone can do to evoke other people’s empathy and be relatable. Her answer was, “Tears.” I found this confusing because, in general I found her to be a genuine, likable, and competent supervisor.

I think I’ve always been afraid that tears come off as manipulative and annoying. Recently, as all this came to mind, I decided to contemplate what if my supervisor’s advice actually does have wisdom in it? What would that wisdom be? Perhaps what she was really getting at, was that being genuine and vulnerable helps make us more relatable and understandable to others.

I think up until now I have understood vulnerability, to a point. The idea of crying in front of others in order to be relatable evokes a resistance in me. I can feel that my initial response is, “No, thank you.”

Recently, when I was working with a woman who has gotten out of abusive relationships, I realized she comes across as a strong woman. At this moment she was asking me why people keep coming at her in mean abusive ways. I realized people probably have the perception she can take it, because she comes across as strong. This is difficult, because I understand the appeal to coming off as strong. There is an underlying false belief that if I come off as strong then people won’t mess with me.

The situation where this concept has caught my attention the most is related to parenting. It’s very appealing to be a strong competent parent. I want my kids to feel like I know what I’m doing and they can count on me. Adolescence has put this approach to the test. This approach is not teaching my teenagers to be empathetic human beings toward me. When I was in the middle of a serious conversation with my son he said, “The thing is, I would rather be outside than here having this conversation.” In that moment I spoke with my heart and I said, “I feel that talking with you is worth my time and energy.” As I was saying it I could feel the tears, which I instinctively tried to hold back. Once I spoke from my heart, I felt a shift with my son. He softened toward me; his empathy increased, and our communication began to improve.

I really like feeling strong. I would like to believe you can throw anything at me, and I can shake it off and keep going.  The problem is that approach isn’t giving me the connection I really desire within my relationships. People don’t show empathy when we put on a mask of strength; it’s when we let them know we have limits that most people begin to show us empathy. If I’m honest, that’s also when I remember to show others empathy. When I see someone struggling, that’s when I feel the most empathy and care for someone.

If I want to have the relationships that I really desire, it requires letting those I love see my limits, my softness, and ultimately my warmth. Showing my rude teenager that I’m taking time to talk with him because I love him has shown to be more effective than taking away screen time or telling him his approach won’t work in the real world. I am finding that when I take time to love and be vulnerable with those close to me, I begin to have the relationships I really desire, and then life feels worth living.