A World Where Love Is Real
Recently I attended a psychodrama group that was very well run. As I got to the group and it was getting started I had a doubt in the back of my mind. I struggled to accurately articulate it, so I let it be and I participated in the group. It was an intense and amazing experience.
One experience really stands out to me. I was in a position where I couldn’t see anyone else, and I felt a trembling start in my core. I breathed through it and eventually it passed and stopped. A few moments later, I heard the facilitator talk with another participant. He brought her attention to that when she had moved to a different location and changed her focus that a feeling of fear had lessened and then gone away. I was amazed that I had felt the energy of fear even though I hadn’t seen or known what was happening.
Later, after the psychodrama was over and I was home, I was finally able to accurately articulate the doubt that had been in the back of my mind. It was, “Is any of this even real?” Putting words to my doubt after having that experience led me to have the strength and ability to question this doubt.
I know why I have this doubt and where it came from. When I am around my family of origin, I frequently hear people being doubted and questioned. If someone tries to share information, frequently, another person jumps in and says that’s wrong, and corrects some detail. This gets annoying and exhausting when it’s just information sharing; it’s really not worth it to try to share my feelings or experiences. The phrase, “No you’re wrong, it’s not this, it’s that” stands out in my mind as I recall this.
I can easily see how constantly being doubted and corrected has led to the belief that I can’t trust or believe my internal world. When I have an emotion or thought, it’s easier to doubt or dismiss it rather than risk that it’s wrong. The doubt, “Is any of it even real?” captures all of this.
The problem I have run into with dismissing all internal emotions and thoughts as not real, is that life then feels empty and lonely. I have realized that life feels fuller and worthwhile when I am open to connecting to and loving others. I am also aware that emotions, thoughts, and experiences are a package deal. The only way I have found to open myself to love is to open myself to all emotions. If I want to feel love, then I also have to be open to feeling fear, anger, grief, etc.
In the experience I had with the psychodrama group I can doubt the energy of the fear I experienced, but then feeling all emotion in my body is doubted. If the energy of fear isn’t real, then the energy and sensation of love wouldn’t be real either. That would mean returning to love only being an intellectual concept and not a sensation and energy we experience in our bodies.
When I think of rejecting and denying the warm comforting sensation of love, I realize I don’t want to do that. I have begun to experience love and I don’t want to return to love only being a cold intellectual concept. Even if I have to accept that fear can make me tremble and grief can actually physically hurt, I will accept that in order to not lose the feeling and experience of love. I realize and I know that for life to feel worth living, I choose to live in a world where the experience of love is real. My internal world is real, because I choose to live in a world where love is real.