Love must be received
Recently, when I was working with a client, it came to my attention that some people struggle to receive love. It tends not to be obvious, because this person talked of wanting to be loved. Additionally, this person frequently makes loving gestures to others and comes across as very generous. However, when I paid attention I saw that this person consistently rejected and dismissed the loving gestures of others. As we began to discuss this the person said things like, “I can do it myself . . . You don’t need to do that for me . . . You have a lot, you don’t need to do that too.” I could definitely identify with these phrases and that these phrases appear kind on the surface. However, the reason we were discussing this is because this ended up being at the heart of an argument this person had with his partner. Rejecting his partner’s loving gesture led to an argument and also led to this person feeling unloved.
As I saw the problems that come from not being open to receiving love, I realized that to fully experience love we have to both give and receive it. I’ve been exploring the question, “Can love be experienced individually, or can it only be truly experienced together with another person?” I don’t fully know the answer to that question, but I clearly see the problems that happen when we are not open to receiving love. We tend to have arguments that are difficult to understand. For example, I may struggle to explain why I’m so angry that you did this or that for me, or to explain why I’m so angry that you won’t let me do this or that for you. We’re angry and we both struggle to articulate how this seemingly small incident led to so much anger. Then we feel disconnected and unloved, which is very painful. When we see that the gesture was about giving love and having our love received, anger starts to make more sense.
As I reflect on this I first see how painful it is to have my loving gesture rejected, even if it’s in an apparently kind way. I see how when someone constantly rejects my love that a cold distance begins to develop in the relationship. We can maintain a kind pleasantness (except when we can’t), but it’s cold and painful.
It’s more difficult for me to reflect on the question, “Am I open to receiving love?” This is harder, because I then face the question, “Why wouldn’t I be open to receiving love?” When I really connect into myself I find that it’s scary to receive love. It’s scary to believe that this is genuine love with no strings attached, with no agenda. It feels risky to believe that this is not being done out of manipulation. The question, “What do you want?” comes to mind. I know this fear comes from previous experiences, and at the same time I see how this fear is holding me back from having the loving relationships I really desire.
If I want to have fulfilling loving relationships then it would appear that I have to take the risk of accepting another person’s warm gestures as the genuine love that I desire. This feels like scary and difficult work, but it also feels necessary to have the relationships I desire, and ultimately to have a life that feels worth living.