The challenge of loving
I recently watched the 2024 movie Civil War. Jessie, one of the heroes in the movie had an impact on me, especially when she said, “I’ve never been so scared in my entire life. And I’ve never felt more alive.” Part of the reason this stands out to me, is because as a trauma therapist I am aware that some war veterans/survivors struggle with this very thing. They discuss feeling “alive” in war, and then struggle to feel alive when they are no longer in a war zone.
As I processed this, I realized that it’s not anger or terror that many of us struggle to embrace and connect to. Love is what we’re actually struggling to stay connected to. I don’t find it that difficult to monstrosize someone and then treat them as the “other.” I am aware that the human ability to monstrosize (to see someone as only a monster with no good in them), lets us see someone as an “other,” which allows us to then discriminate, be prejudiced, and even kill. Knowing this leads me to resist monstrosizing.
The struggle is that I then don’t know what else to do. The advice I was given when growing up was just “don’t be angry.” This then puts the focus on anger and leads to the conclusion that anger is bad. It was my therapist who helped me see that there is another option that is about embracing all my emotions as opposed to denying them. I forget the context, but his question was, “Can you be angry with me without monstrosizing me?” Acknowledging anger in the therapy relationship is a common technique used in ISTDP (Intensive Short Term Dynamic Psychotherapy), so that is not what gave me pause. What gave me pause is, how do you do that? How do you feel anger toward someone while holding onto the feeling and knowledge of appreciation/affection you have for them? Is it possible? Can I feel anger towards someone without monstrosizing them?
That is my journey, my current quest. I am working towards being able to acknowledge anger and love at the same time. What has come to my attention is that in these moments it is love that I struggle most to stay connected to. My dog, Eli has really helped me, because he has given me the most stark examples to work with. The love my family has for Eli is immense. My son once said that Eli “is the best thing that has happened to me.” So, when I walked in the house and caught Eli in the act of literally chewing up the couch I definitely had an opportunity to practice feeling angry with someone I dearly love.
I was able to practice taking a breath, realizing I’m really really angry, and then walking away, because I also know I love Eli. My love also led me to forgive Eli and continue to be loving and warm with him. Now, can I extend that to others in my life? I find in that moment that either monstrosizing or disconnecting completely is what would be easy to give into, it’s staying connected to love that is the challenge.
Similarly, many of us can feel “alive” when we are in the middle of a fight. The challenge is can we figure out how to feel alive during peace? Can we connect to genuine love and joy, and truly live in peace and love with each other? It seems that pursuing love even when angry is at the heart of finding a life that’s worth living.