Every Childs Deepest Desire

            As I have done my own work and helped others I have come to realize that every child’s deepest desire is to have a secure attachment with their parents. All of us are someone’s child; so every child means all of us.

            What is a secure attachment? There are four attachment styles that research has discovered. They are: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. A defining characteristic of a secure attachment is a confidence that you believe with your whole being that your parent(s) will always be there for you if you need them. There is no doubt. The paradox is that with this confidence a child feels able to explore the world, because if anything happens they know their parent(s) will be there for them.

            A simple explanation of the other attachment styles (anxious, avoidant, and disorganized) is a lack of confidence that a parent will always be there for you. Most often anxious attachment happens when parents are inconsistent; avoidant attachment happens when a child is neglected; and disorganized attachment happens when a child is abused. The book “The Power of Attachment” by Diane Poole Heller, PhD has the best description of each attachment style I have ever come across. If a secure attachment is not possible then a child will form whatever attachment is possible, because abandonment as a baby and child is almost always a death sentence.

            While we will form whatever attachment style our parents are capable of having with us, I have come to realize that deep down we all desire a secure attachment with at least one of our parents. If neither of our parents are capable of a secure attachment it is heartbreaking to face and realize this truth. In fact, many of us straight up deny it and refuse to see it.

            What do you do if you realize your parents are not capable of a secure attachment and you are tired of fighting against or running from this truth? I believe and I hold out hope that if we let ourselves grieve we will find healing. In this healing we will be able to change our own attachment styles and begin to form relationships that are more secure with our own partners, children, and self.

            I have come to realize that this is not the happy ending of Hollywood shows or of many self help books. Facing this truth is heartbreaking and hard work. Unfortunately, the alternative of continuing to deny or run from this truth is worse. There is a bittersweet hope in working to be able to give our kids what we have come to realize no one will ever be able to give to us. I do believe that “the truth will set you free,” but I have also come to realize that it will first break your heart.

            I have come to find that a life where I face hard truths has a relief to it even when it is heartbreaking. In my pursuit of working for a life that feels worth living I have found that heartbreaking truths are easier to live with than denials and lies. This an honest real ending that helps build and create a real life that is worth living.