Sabotaging a Person’s Sense of Self
By Anna Steele
What is a sense of self? I have found that when I am connected to and know my own feelings, thoughts, beliefs, and experiences then I feel like a solid unique individual that is separate and unique from others. When this separate and unique sense of self feels valid and real I feel good and whole. When this sense of self does not feel valid or real I find that I struggle with having energy, motivation, and happiness.
As I have come to see how having a sense of self affects me I realize that it is important to both develop and protect it. What first came to my attention is how a person’s sense of self can be squashed and sabotaged. Squashing and sabotaging self is quite easy to do in children, which once realized is horrifying and sickening. This is the dark side of my work as a therapist.
What does it look like to squash and sabotage another person’s sense of self? All you have to do is subtly or overtly let someone know that their feelings and experiences are invalid. If you really want to completely kill their sense of self then you can also threaten them with things like abandonment and punishment any time they assert their own emotions. A parent who says “don’t be upset, you’re fine,” or “that’s wrong, don’t feel that way” invalidates their child’s emotions and experience in that moment. A parent who goes even further may say something like, “I’ll give you something to cry about,” or “no one will want to be friends with you if you keep crying.” A child will learn to not have a sense of self in order to not be abandoned. A validating approach would be to acknowledge that something was scary or hurtful, and everyone is now okay. This may sound like, “That was scary. Can you feel your heart racing? Can you also feel that you can breathe? It was scary and we are okay.”
As I reflect on this and always work to be a better parent, I ask myself am I making space for those around me to have their own feelings and experiences? In addition I ask, am I protecting my own feelings and experiences by knowing and being strong in that my emotions and experiences are valid? Role modeling is the strongest way to teach. If I want my kids and clients to be able to have and develop a sense of self then it is important that I role model that and show them what that looks like. I then encourage them and make space for them to have their feelings and experiences, which most of the time are at least a little different from mine and are always unique. I am being more of the parent and person I want to be, and together we are all feeling more whole and happy.