What is A Sense of Self

WHAT IS A SENSE OF SELF

By Anna Steele LCSW

            I learned about Maslow’s concept of self actualization decades ago, but it was not until recently I gained a concrete understanding of what a sense of self is. It happened when a client told me about a situation between he and his wife, and I asked how he felt towards his wife when he recalled this situation. I realized he never answered the actual question. I started paying attention to this, and I realized many people do not ever answer the actual question. People will give me an analytical description of the situation, they will tell me their thoughts, or they will tell me how they think the other person feels. They never actually answer the question.

            I became curious and started bringing this to people’s attention. I pointed out that they never actually answered the question. What was then really interesting is the confusion and struggle they then expressed. Intellectually they understood what I was pointing out and what the question was, yet they still struggled to answer the questions. Why is it so difficult and such a struggle to clearly directly say “I feel ______ (angry, loving, heartbroken, disgust, longing, terror) toward my _______ (wife, husband, mother, father, etc.)?

            A key to understanding this struggle came when I saw how some of my clients struggled to see and know that their emotions are separate from another person’s emotions. They could easily tell me how they thought another person felt, but they genuinely struggled to know and name how they felt. It was this inability to name and know one’s own emotions that led me to see and realize when there is an absence of a sense of self. This then led me to realize what a sense of self is. It’s the ability to connect to and know my own emotions, and to know that my emotions are separate from another person’s emotions. I then saw that this also applies to thought, belief, and experience. I can know what my thoughts, beliefs, and experiences are, and I can then realize that my thoughts, beliefs, and experiences are separate from other people’s thoughts, beliefs, and experiences.

            I do not say that my emotions, thoughts, beliefs, and experiences are different from other people’s, because they may or may not be different. Some of these may be similar or the same as someone else’s, but they are still separate. The key for me being able to see and understand a sense of self in a more concrete way is to see and identify my separate and unique emotions, thoughts, beliefs, and experiences. When I can say I feel I love you and I feel angry and terrified when you yell at me, that is when I have a solid strong sense of self.

            If I am not used to having a sense of self, I have found that developing a sense of self is like growing a garden. I have to protect and nurture myself, and with time I will be able to see a rich garden of emotions, thoughts, beliefs, and experiences. I will look at this garden and know that these are mine and not someone else’s. When I imagine this garden it sounds wonderful, yet I have found that the actual work of growing it is scary and difficult. Many of us have experienced our gardens being stomped on, or someone coming in and planting in our garden. At times many of us have given up and say it is pointless or too risky to try again, and yet there remains a deep desire to have a garden that is mine. This is not easy, but seems vital as I work to have a life that is worth living.