Disposable People
The Throw Away Mentality We Have Towards People and Relationships
By Anna Steele LCSW
I will never forget a conversation I had with a teenage boy when I worked in juvenile detention. This boy was a very typical kid for a kid in juvenile detention. Nothing about his story stood out, other than how typical it was. He was in the state’s custody due to his parents rights having been severed, and he had been unsuccessful in numerous group homes. He’d get unsuccessfully discharged (“kicked out”) from a group home, runaway, and then eventually end up in juvenile detention again. I was working in juvenile detention as a mental health professional, so I went and talked with him.
He started out by saying, “of course I don’t like it here.” That’s quite understandable. We were in juvenile detention. He would get locked in his cell every night. Then he continued, “But the thing is they always have a bed for me here. They never kick me out.” Every time I remember this my heart breaks. Having some place to belong and feel accepted can matter more than freedom.
The thing is I know this kid probably wasn’t easy to work with in a group home. Like many kids in his situation he struggled with drugs. It’s not difficult to imagine that when this kid is using drugs his behavior is difficult and he’s difficult to talk to. Still, my heart breaks that the only place this boy feels accepted is juvenile detention. This is a serious societal problem. How can we take a child away from their family and then not provide them with a stable consistent environment that accepts them and cares for them? Why did we bother taking them away from their family if we’re not going to provide that? I don’t know the answer, I just know that this approach tends to create angry, isolated children unprepared for life outside the system.
This kid helped me see how we in the U.S. have this throw away mentality toward people and relationships. In this boy I saw how hurtful and destructive it is to believe that we can just get rid of someone. For this kid, he was “kicked out” of group homes. Elsewhere in society this plays out by pushing people out of jobs, trying to bully someone out of a community, or “cutting off” relationships. In a work environment a person may be identified as a difficult employee or coworker, and people may think the solution is for this person to leave. “You know where the door is. . . You’re replaceable.” In political discussions I’ve heard people say, “Go back to where you came from if you don’t like _____ [fill in the blank].” When I grew up we moved a lot, because my dad was in the Air Force. As I became older, more than once I thought the solution to a difficult situation was to just move and start fresh again. This came at a high price when I began to struggle with loneliness and isolation. In family and friendships people discuss “cutting off” someone that’s difficult. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is currently a popular label for people to throw around and then use to justify “cutting off” someone. A client I work with has told me about a facebook group for daughter’s of narcissistic mothers, and the common advice is to “cut off” the mom.
Once again I don’t have an easy answer for these difficult situations, but what I have come to realize is that “cutting off” people is not the magical answer that makes everything better. Certainly if a relationship is abusive, then there is plenty of evidence that it’s important to get out before someone is hurt. When I worked in juvenile detention I also worked with some teenagers who were found guilty of child molestation and rape. As a society how do we keep citizens safe and prevent sex crimes while at the same time coexisting in society with people who do these things? There’s no easy answer to this.
What I do want to bring to the conversation is the idea that “cutting off” people and treating people as disposable is an extreme solution. If we use it at all, it should be reserved for the most extreme situations. In my own life and with the clients I work with I do not jump to “cutting off” someone as a quick easy answer that will make everything better. I have worked to have boundaries in my life, but having a boundary with someone is not the same as cutting them off.
A professor in my master’s program showed us research that showed people are happiest when they are in relationship. People alone are the second happiest, and people in abusive relationships are the most unhappy. Her conclusion was that we should be cautious of encouraging people to separate or divorce, because if it’s not an abusive relationship then it’s not likely the person will end up happier. This goes along with research on attachment. We feel most independent and capable of exploring the world when we have secure relationships that we are confident are there for us whenever we need them. The question then for me is not only how do we stop the hurt and pain we are experiencing in relationships, it also becomes how do we build security, safety, and love in our relationships.
Building relationships is much more work than “cutting off” people, but for me it is much more fulfilling and meaningful. It’s often very difficult. It involves taking the time to hear and understand each other, and at times to set boundaries with each other. We may have to take the time to work through our own hurt and anger, so we can set boundaries without taking our feelings out on the other person. This is not one simple magic answer, but building strong healthy relationships makes life worth living.