Thief of Disconnection
An Explanation of the Epidemic of Depression and Suicide
By Anna Steele LCSW
There are numerous headlines today talking about the mental health crisis that is happening in our country. Like many Americans I have found myself struggling over the years with depression and thoughts of suicide. This is my story of how I have found that life is worth living.
I am a psychotherapist, and I have been working in mental health since 2000. Around 8 to 9 years ago I realized I was fantasizing about suicide. I had done mental health crisis work, so I had talked numerous people through suicidal thoughts and getting connected to help. Once I realized that I was having suicidal thoughts I stopped and asked myself, do I really want to do this? My thought process at the time was if I really want to do it, then do it; however, if I don’t really want to do it then stop the fantasies. I would never say that to anyone else, but to myself that was my thought process. I searched myself and found the reason why suicide is not an option for me. I may wish I could die at times, but there are things in my life that do not make that an option.
From then on I still had suicidal thoughts, but I knew I would never do it. Mostly, I would tell myself to just stop, it’s not an option. I also did not tell anyone. I had fear and shame about being a mental health professional and struggling with suicidal thoughts.
For a number of years this is how I tolerated living; even though, I did not desire to live. Then somewhere around the middle of COVID I had a realization that set me on a path that ended up helping me find joy and meaning in life. To explain this realization I first have to tell you about a principle that I have lived by since becoming a mental health professional. One of my first supervisors said to me that if I am not willing to do what I ask my clients to do then I am a hypocrite. This is direct, but honest. I have never forgotten this or the amazing supervisor who said it. If I share an intervention with a client then I have first taken the time to apply it to myself. However, during COVID I realized my clients were doing something I had never done. They were going to therapy. I had therapized myself, but I had never stuck with a therapist for more than a few sessions. I realized that I had to do therapy myself if I wanted to continue to ask my clients to keep making their appointments. I also realized I had to get honest with a therapist the way I asked my clients to get honest with me.
I thought about what I would want in a therapist and I kept my eyes open. As COVID restrictions were letting up I came across a therapist, Johannes Kieding who I thought would be good. Johannes wrote an article about enjoying being a therapist and that he is intentional about maintaining affection for his clients. I thought, that’s what I want. I want a therapist who loves their work and the people they work with.
I also love being a therapist, which is why his article probably appealed to me so much. When everything else in my life is difficult and a struggle, I relax and find some peace when I can show up and help someone else. Since I love being a therapist it surprised me how much I did not enjoy going to therapy as a client. I felt tremendous anxiety, and this lasted for months. Two things helped me through this anxiety. First, I was determined to do therapy, because I do not find it tolerable to be a hypocrite. The anxiety was so bad that it did cross my mind to quit my profession. Instead, I decided to stick with it and see what happened. Secondly, I did end up finding an amazing therapist who was able to support me through this anxiety. Johannes stuck in it with me and never backed out of being there for me, even when the anxiety was intense.
Finally, after about one and a half years of Johannes consistently showing up for me and bringing attention to how my defenses hurt me, I finally understood. I read a passage by John Frederickson where he describes a woman denying her own emotions in order to protect her abusive father. In this passage Frederickson asks the woman if she wants to stop protecting her father and start protecting herself, when she says yes she then becomes afraid, and Frederickson brings attention to this “punitive mechanism” that punishes her for taking a stand for herself. When I read this passage I felt it hit me in my gut, but it took me months to fully process it.
Today, I have come to understand that my defenses are like a thief, who will rob me of everything, including my life. I call my defenses the Thief of Disconnection.
What makes sense to me is to see the Thief of Disconnection as an abuser. Like an abuser, the first time I can recall the thief coming to me it felt like he rescued and saved me. I was 4 years old and alone in the hospital due to having pneumonia. No one would come to me no matter how much I screamed and cried. I imagine the nurses were trying the cry it out method. Eventually, it became exhausting and painful to continue screaming and crying. The thoughts the Thief of Disconnection gave me were a relief and helped dull the pain when I had nothing else to help me in that moment. The thoughts were along the lines: It doesn’t matter. . . I don’t care. . . I don’t need them. Of course this would have come from things I would have heard my parents say. They would have said things like, “You’re fine, why are you so upset.” My Dad directly tells people not to feel upset and just see the good and happy in everything. If I were to say I didn’t like school he would says things like, “No, school is good, you’re supposed to enjoy school, don’t say you don’t like it.”
Today as an adult I realize that by disconnecting from my anger in these moments I also end up disconnecting from my love. As a child I didn’t know what else to do and it relieved the pain. As an adult these thoughts the Thief gives me disconnects me from all my emotions and leads me to be disconnected in my relationships. This place of disconnection becomes very dark and lonely, and the thoughts become even more negative. It is when disconnection has escalated to this dark lonely place that I have realized that if I continue to keep the Thief of Disconnection in my life he will emotionally abuse me with extremely negative thoughts until he succeeds in killing me by suicide.
With the help of therapy I have been able to learn to change this pattern of disconnection and reconnect with all of my emotions and my loved ones. At one point my husband joined me in this journey with therapy. When the love and care was renewed between us, I felt like it was okay maybe good to be alive for the first time in years.
I have come to realize that stopping the Thief of Disconnection, my defenses is the battle I have to fight if I want to live. In addition to this being my personal battle I also work with people in my therapy practice who struggle with suicide. I have come to realize that together by battling the Thief of Disconnection we are fighting for our lives.
During my 20+ year career as a mental health professional I had never come across a therapy that focused on stopping defenses until I went to therapy myself. I learned about a new type of therapy (Intensive Short Term Dynamic Psychotherapy – ISTDP) and found a way to understand it that makes sense to me. Now I use it in my practice with my clients as well as learning to apply it to myself. I also want to speak out about it, so even more people can learn about it and learn to also fight for a life that feels good and worth living. The news lets me know that I am not alone in these feelings, so I hope that me speaking out will add to the efforts today to address the struggle many of us have with suicidal thoughts and mental health issues. I hope more people will fight with me to live and create a life that is worth living.