Growing A Self That’s Full of Life
I like to imagine that a sense of Self is like a garden. If I want to know my Self, then I have to put the work into it to make my garden grow and flourish. I have found this metaphor to be extremely rich. I can go in many different directions with it, such as the walls of a garden are like boundaries that protect us, or even the crap in our life can end up being useful fertilizer. When I share this idea with my clients they come up with ideas I did not think of. I encourage everyone to use this metaphor in a way that resonates for them.
Recently, I have been exploring the concept of a plastic garden versus a real garden that is full of life. A true life example that has helped inspire this concept occurred one night when I had dinner at my parents’ house. My brother made the food and there was a dish I thought tasted particularly good and I stated such, “This is really good.” As my brother started to respond, my dad jumped in with something like, “It’s all really good, it always is.” My brother is a good cook; however, this is an exaggeration. My comment was sincere, my dad’s comment lacked the same sincerity. I could feel a warmth to the honest comment I had made, and I could feel that warmth lessen when my dad made a less sincere comment.
When I interact with people with sincerity and genuine emotion it is like a real live plant that flourishes and is beautiful. There is life and warmth in the interaction. In comparison, when I say the right things that are nice but are insincere it is like a plastic plant. Plastic plants look pretty, but there is no life to them. Plastic plants will not feed you or nourish you.
Richard Schwartz, the therapist who discovered the therapy Internal Family Systems (IFS) is very adamant that everyone has a Self. I think the garden metaphor helps make sense of his belief and the reality that at times we come across people who seem to be lacking something. They too have a garden as we all have a Self inside of us; just like everyone can have a piece of land to grow a garden on. Do I do the hard work of growing real plants that are full of life and nourishment, or do I take a short cut and make my garden look pretty with plastic lifeless plants? Is my garden full of life and sincerity, or is it pretty but lifeless?
As I have fought to find the good in this life that feels worth living for, I have come to realize that I want life in my garden. Of course, I want to be genuine and sincere when I have joy, appreciation, and love. This means also being sincere and honest when I am disappointed, angry, or grieving. I don’t tell my brother that everything he cooks is wonderful, but when I do say it, it’s clear I meant it. There is a genuine warm honesty that can grow between us. I have found that I want to protect and tend to this genuineness in my relationships. Sometimes it is not as pretty as a plastic plant or fake pretty words, but it is in this genuineness where I have found that life feels worth living.