The Building Blocks of Self

I grew up being taught that emotions are illogical, and it’s better if you can stop your emotions. I heard don’t be emotional, just calm down and be logical. That was the underlying belief I was raised with.

            As I have gone on a journey to find a life that feels worth living, the concept of having a sense of Self has become central to this journey. I have searched for what a sense of Self is and how to develop one. What I have discovered is that our emotions, thoughts, beliefs, and experiences come together to create a sense of Self.

            Emotions being an essential part of a sense of Self challenges the belief that it’s better to not be emotional, and instead just be logical. To sort this out, I turn to experience to see what works. When I identify and name my emotion I feel relief, and I start to be able to sort things out. In the end, identifying and naming my emotions gives me more calmness and clarity than trying to deny them.

            A therapy called Internal Family Systems (IFS) has done a lot of work around the concept of Self. There is much about IFS I find very helpful. I like how they talk about recognizing the energy of Self, and they give great descriptions of that energy. I find it very helpful having an energy that I can feel and label as Self.

            The one thing I add to IFS’s description of Self is that when I am in the energy of Self I experience genuine emotion. In a previous article I differentiated genuine emotion from a mimicry of emotion. In my experience, Self experiences genuine emotion.

            Additionally, when I am struggling to be in the energy of Self I find it helpful to ground into my genuine emotions and body sensations. If I can connect to body sensations and genuine emotions, then I can begin to find and reconnect to Self.

            I am also finding that connecting to genuine emotion helps me to grow and strengthen my sense of Self. Recently, I had a couple of experiences where in addition to identifying and naming my emotions I also owned them as mine. One of the times I did this I instantly felt my body relax. I didn’t know how tight and tense I was until it all relaxed.

            When I shared this with a friend, she said she had a similar experience when she owned a difficult childhood experience. This leads me to the thought that many of us have been taught to deny some of the essential building blocks that make up Self. When we learn to reclaim these building blocks and own them we grow and strengthen our sense of Self. For me, I was taught to deny my emotions. Reclaiming my emotions is leading me to have a stronger sense of Self. I believe owning our genuine emotions is an essential building block for growing a Self that is full of life. And, having a Self that feels alive and robust definitely leads to feeling like life is worth living!